Going With the Flow

I can't believe that I made it through the whole day yesterday without crying only to fall apart in the middle of the night. The husband was very understanding and helped calm my hysterics, fetching tissues and providing what comfort he could. I was so calm and numb yesterday and then all of a sudden, in the warm, dark safety of my own bed, I sobbed a couple of times. That did it; the dam was broken. I kinda panicked, I guess. Okay, I totally panicked. I was worried that I'd be all useless and half-catatonic today, as only happens to me when I get extremely, extremely upset. I kind of freeze up at times, shut down and cease to be able to function. When I get like that, it's almost impossible to move... I can't even think clearly or get up to feed myself. It's like my system gets overwhelmed and short circuits. I was terrified of that happening to me when I was all alone with my son today. What if I couldn't feed him or change him or even get out of bed all day? I was so scared of that.

I'm okay today, though. Besides, the stillness usually doesn't last for much more than an hour at worst before I start to thaw out. I was just being paranoid. I really don't want my son to suffer for all of the garbage that I went through. He's a big part of the reason that I'm getting help for myself these days. For me. For my family.

I just have to keep trying to remind myself that I was raped and that it wasn't my fault. I'd be lying if I said that I'd successfully convinced myself of that 100% already. It's only been a few days versus over a decade of denial, avoidance, and crushing guilt and shame. It's a lot to bear all at once. After all, I'm not just trying to deal with and accept what happened... I also need to integrate years of pain and self-loathing regarding the incident into my new understanding of things. It feels so... monumental. Huge and heavy. Impossible. Like trying to move a whole mountain. I guess I'll just have to go one pebble at a time. This sucks.

I find that I keep wanting to reflexively revert to my old way of thinking out of habit. I allowed him to do that to me... it's not like I was tied up or held at gunpoint. My therapist had kinda rolled his eyes when I said that as if to say "Oh, come on!" or "Not this again." The gesture made me want to smile in spite of myself, because it reinforced what he said then, which was that rape often simply isn't done that way, Hollywood-style. It doesn't have to be that dramatic and stereotypical. He then said one of my favorite things that I've heard so far lately... he said that what happened to me wasn't even on the fence. It wasn't even close to that, where maybe it was rape and maybe it wasn't... or it was, but only technically or something like that. He said it in a gentle voice that was very firm and confident at the same time. I really thanked him for giving me those words. They help me so much when I feel the most lost and unsure.

Well, look at that... looks like I can cry in the daytime, too. Well, that's fine. I'd rather hurt a bit than feel numb like yesterday. Maybe I did take an extra antidepressant then... or maybe I'm still kind of in shock. I need to remember to tell my doctor about my physical reactions next time I see him. It's a week from today... wish it didn't have to be so long, but it can't be helped. His schedule is very tight these days and I have to work around the schedule of my sitter as well. Usually I like a nice two week break between sessions: it gives me the time I need to absorb and integrate new information. Not so much this time. I could use some more professional input from him.

I've kept myself nice and busy today with the housework and such. Sitting around just makes me feel bad... probably why I'm more of a night-cryer. On the plus side, my kitchen is sparkly. Messes really put me in a funk which is the last thing I need right now.

My beautiful little boy is napping now. My favorite sound in the whole world is the sound of his breathing, especially when he's fast asleep.

Ugh... I need to get up and do something again. I'm starting to get bummed out.